Fed up again!

I've had a rather bad weekend.....spent friday feeling very self concious and not entirely sure why...this week I've put on weight which I'm sure is not helping. Anyways, everything blew up last night, my husband admitted to me that he'd be more attracted to me if I were thinner....my already struggling self esteem took a massive beating, and I've spent the rest of the weekend fighting off serious depression. The truth is, he IS attracted to me, he was just saying maybe he'd be more physically attracted to me if I were thinner, and can I really blame him for that?? probably not! I really feel "less than"...which is depressing since by all accounts my life should be going really well, but its all a little lacking when within myself I feel like my self confidence is crumbling.

I need a new identity...one that is based on who I am in Christ and not what I show up as on the scale, or what I see in the mirror. I guess hearing that from my husband really shook me, because I put too much stock in his view of me and not enough in what God sees in me.

I do have to lose weight, and Im putting many changes in place in order to achieve that, but in the meantime I guess I have to redefine who I am....this outer shell dictates far too much how I feel about myself and its really not that important. My HEALTH however is very important, and I really want to be more healthy. To do this, I'm working on a few different things....

1. Im exercising and making it a habit everyday...not full on gym everyday but walking and such
2. No more diet soft drink (anyone who knows me will know this is drastic measures!)
3. I'm not buying any more potatos (another major measure for me!)
4. I am watching my portion sizes and I think this will be a big one for me
5. I am being careful about when I eat - only eating when I'm genuinely hungry
6. I am eating small portions regularly (breakfast, mt, lunch, at and dinner) so that I am having small amounts of fruit or yogurt in between meals to keep me feeling full for longer.
7. I am changing all my "white" starches to brown - wholemeal bread, brown rice, brown pasta, wholemeal flour.......in doing so I'm hoping to also feel fuller for longer
8. My diet will be mainly consisting of lean meat and vegetables, with small amounts of low fat dairy...my beverages will be diet cordial, tea, coffee (1 a day) water and fruit juice

I've also made a plan of when I eat, work etc...so I can see clearly how much time I have to exercise and also what I need to pack for lunches and what I need to plan for each day. At the moment I am concerntrating on what I am packing for work lunches each day, and making sure I DO pack lunches rather than buying stuff I shouldnt. I am also making sure I have a healthy snack to eat on the way home in the afternoon (like an apple or something) because its such a long drive I get really shaky if I don't pack something.

So thats it...thats my plan. At first I thought I was doing this for Brad, and I spose thats a motivation, but its more than that. I'm doing this for me. It's time I started feeling like I'm living an authentic life, and at the moment I don't feel like that at all. Well, I'll keep u posted...not that anyone is reading this anyways!