Fed up again!

I've had a rather bad weekend.....spent friday feeling very self concious and not entirely sure why...this week I've put on weight which I'm sure is not helping. Anyways, everything blew up last night, my husband admitted to me that he'd be more attracted to me if I were thinner....my already struggling self esteem took a massive beating, and I've spent the rest of the weekend fighting off serious depression. The truth is, he IS attracted to me, he was just saying maybe he'd be more physically attracted to me if I were thinner, and can I really blame him for that?? probably not! I really feel "less than"...which is depressing since by all accounts my life should be going really well, but its all a little lacking when within myself I feel like my self confidence is crumbling.

I need a new identity...one that is based on who I am in Christ and not what I show up as on the scale, or what I see in the mirror. I guess hearing that from my husband really shook me, because I put too much stock in his view of me and not enough in what God sees in me.

I do have to lose weight, and Im putting many changes in place in order to achieve that, but in the meantime I guess I have to redefine who I am....this outer shell dictates far too much how I feel about myself and its really not that important. My HEALTH however is very important, and I really want to be more healthy. To do this, I'm working on a few different things....

1. Im exercising and making it a habit everyday...not full on gym everyday but walking and such
2. No more diet soft drink (anyone who knows me will know this is drastic measures!)
3. I'm not buying any more potatos (another major measure for me!)
4. I am watching my portion sizes and I think this will be a big one for me
5. I am being careful about when I eat - only eating when I'm genuinely hungry
6. I am eating small portions regularly (breakfast, mt, lunch, at and dinner) so that I am having small amounts of fruit or yogurt in between meals to keep me feeling full for longer.
7. I am changing all my "white" starches to brown - wholemeal bread, brown rice, brown pasta, wholemeal flour.......in doing so I'm hoping to also feel fuller for longer
8. My diet will be mainly consisting of lean meat and vegetables, with small amounts of low fat dairy...my beverages will be diet cordial, tea, coffee (1 a day) water and fruit juice

I've also made a plan of when I eat, work etc...so I can see clearly how much time I have to exercise and also what I need to pack for lunches and what I need to plan for each day. At the moment I am concerntrating on what I am packing for work lunches each day, and making sure I DO pack lunches rather than buying stuff I shouldnt. I am also making sure I have a healthy snack to eat on the way home in the afternoon (like an apple or something) because its such a long drive I get really shaky if I don't pack something.

So thats it...thats my plan. At first I thought I was doing this for Brad, and I spose thats a motivation, but its more than that. I'm doing this for me. It's time I started feeling like I'm living an authentic life, and at the moment I don't feel like that at all. Well, I'll keep u posted...not that anyone is reading this anyways!

Weigh in...

Hey guys, well I havent written much due to the fact that I got a new job! The last two days I have spent working in a brand new government position which has kept me on my toes and trying to absorb as much information as I possibly can! The good news however is that despite sitting at a desk for alot of the day, the work is actually regulating my eating for me...I am packing my own lunches and having set times of the day to eat, which for the first day left me more than a little hungry, but I think thats a good thing!!! yesterday was better, mainly because I had more to do so I wasn't thinking about it.

The other good news is a blessing in disguise.....the parking situation in the city isn't fantastic, and the last couple of days I've had to park a fair distance from work and walk....but the good news with that is that practically gives me nearly 30 mins walking right there! Add to that having lunch with Mum yesterday I had to walk downtown to meet her, and since I was running late had to do so at breakneck pace, so I've been getting a fair bit of exercise. It's so nice to not be lazing around the house feeling fat and eating out of boredom! The weigh in I did today reflected that - 123.9 which is down 1.8kgs from last week :D I havent changed an awful lot, cept I really have been working on my portion sizes, and listening to my body when it's full. Those two things alone have been major changes in my eating habits, along with changes brought on by working a normal job, and I am hoping that as time goes on these things will be automatic and I wont really have to think about it!

Today's menu is as follows....

Breakfast - snags and toast

MT - yogurt and fruit

Lunch - savoury rice and steak strips

AT - biccies and a little cheese

Dinner - fish, chips and salad

Well I have a busy rest of the week ahead....tomorrow I am working 1-9 at Mathers, then Friday I have computer training for work in Toowoomba. I'm looking forward to the weekend, but hoping that all the good I have done this week wont go completely out the window!!!!! Til next time!

Reality Check!

This morning I awoke late, having stayed up til 2am, and with the same resolve I felt last night stepped on the scales....the result was 125.7kgs. Not the result I wanted, but at least now I know what I'm dealing with. It all seems so impossible right now. A mountain I mountain I'll never be able to climb! But I must, and not just because I want to have kids, or because I want to look good, but becuase I'm not the person I should be. This isn't what I'm meant to be, and it's about time I start being who I SHOULD be instead of selling out.

My meals for the day will be as follows.....

Breakfast : 1 egg scrambled, 2 pieces of ww bacon, 2 slices of wholemeal bread and a cup of tea

Lunch: 1 chicken and salad sandwhich and another cup of tea

Dinner: fish, a few home made chips and salad

Dessert : weight watchers custard with fruit

Snacks: Coffee for MT and white grapes and yogurt for afternoon tea.

I have been doing alot of thinking, and I believe alot of my problem is portion sizes, so today thats what I'll focus on...having a little bit of the things I love but not halfing the amounts I used to have. I will also have to take into account the fact that my irritable bowl syndrome is playing up at the moment, which does affect my weight and also my willingness to eat! today I have the day off work, but I have a TONNE of housework things to do, so I'll be kept busy. Til next time!

My "Fed Up" Moment!

It is with more than a little trepidation that I begin this blog...my name is Pamela Tough and I am 26 years old. I have struggled with my weight all my life, and was my lightest when I was 14. I know my Dad had weight problems so there's a disposition there, but I cannot blame anyone else but me for my current state. Last time I weighed myself about a week ago I was 123kgs, and at my heaviest I weighed 134....and today is D day - DO DAY!

I found some old negatives from when I was younger - my graduation and formal photos were on that roll, and when I showed a workmate she couldnt believe it was me...mortified I listen to her shocked aws and ahs over the photos, exclaiming that I look like a completely different person. And the truth is, I DO look like a completely different person now. I dont recognise the girl in the photos anymore, and I decided there and then that enough was enough! I've wasted so much time being hopeless... so much time sabotaging myself and convincing myself that I wasnt worth any better than what I am. But, tomorrow is a new day! Brad my husband has suggested I go to the doctor to get a full check up and to determine if there's anything medical wrong, so tomorrow I will make the appointment. I will weigh myself first thing also, so I know exactly where I'm starting from.

I dont write this blog anticipating anyone actually reading it...in fact I don't plan on telling anyone I know about it. This blog is for me.....I will be writing in it everyday, tracking my progress and trying to address the internal dialogue that goes on in my head, particularly when dealing with food. I hope one day I can look back at this blog, and not recognise the person who wrote these words.